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Patricia Ana  Create Your Badge Her Wishes♥ Updated on o1.o1.13 • Happiness Sweet Escapes♥ ALIENS♥ --------------------------------- Wei Kang ShanShan Terence Dearest♥ --------------------------------- Amelia Liz ; PerverticCicak Sab ; Mesum-Twinny Syazwan ; Bestfriend Vanessa Vivian ; Nerdie NavalBase; --------------------------------- Alexis Brandon ; Blender Fawwaz ; FawyBotakB Hamizah HuatKit ; AhPek Katherine Patricia ; Halim Mabel ; AhMamaa Xinyi YuXuan ; AhJie Others; --------------------------------- Cindy ; Shinzuii Laurentia Read more♥ You deserve better. Me and my anxiety The pain of the past. That pain. Happiness. One and only. I miss you. Interphase: Denial and Acceptance. To the guy who's gone great lengths for me. When will it be good enough?
January 2012 |
my straight gay-best-friend.
Sunday, January 27, 2013 Sunday, January 27, 2013   Personally, I think gay best friends are awesome! They don't judge, they have their own fashion sense, they just seem.... FUN. I was unlucky. My friend found their gay best friends and I did not find one. But eventually, I met one! \m/ He is not gay, he is definitely straight. But he is just like a gay best friend but straight, you know. It's alright. Maybe I'll just treat him like he is gay? HAHAHA  I started to know him when I moved to US. At first, we were not close at all. I find him snobbish and cold. But during Summer, we got closer. Me, my brother, and him, and the others are often hanging out together. Supported with the condition of many people are going back for the whole Summer and we are the only ones left in Davis. During Fall, we started to become really good friends. We often talked and shared our secrets. Things were not that smooth. While we were being close, there were tons of rumors about us. Seriously, that's super childish.  What I liked the most of our friendship is, We both are aware that we would not fall for each other. Our concerns and love are just like brother-sister, and best friends. He treated me like his little sister. I treated him like a brother too. We always look out for one another. Isn't it amazing to be best friends with not-that-kind-of-feelings?! He knew me best, even my dark and ugliest side. He is able to read everything through my face and expressions. He can detect when I'm lying and I have no idea how! He is fully aware when something goes wrong just based on my expression. Telepathy. He is the first person that ever saw me crying like crazy. I mean you know, when your tears are just rolling down your cheeks unstoppably, and you find it difficult to breathe. I remember I cried like almost an hour non-stop and he was just sitting by my side on the curb, watching me crying. Okay, that's sort of embarrassing. HAHAHA. I am always, maybe most of the time, the first person he talks to when something is going on with him, And vice versa. We always catch up with each other's lives. It is like when I went back home for my winter break, and his family came over to US and they went for a vacation, we did not contact each other. We did not want to disturb each other's family or quality time. But after I got back here, we started to catch up. Regardless through skype or meeting up, there is always a way. I feel soooooo damn good after telling him everything that happened while I was home. How I have been feeling recently. He has been giving me supports unstoppably. It's like we both know that we have each other's backs. Ain't that what real friends are for? I don't know, I just feel comfortable talking things out with him. It's like when I like a guy, or family problem, or anything, I will just talk it out with him. Sometimes I don't really need an advice, I just need a good listener and he fully understands it.   I am glad that I met him, and thankful to him for sticking with me even though sometimes I'm just weird, and crazy, and moody... Many people would think that we both like each other or whatever shits, well, it's a NO. If he found a girlfriend, I would be happily support him. Or since he does not have one, I will help him to find one! Even if I find a guy that I like, he would tell me his judgements, whether this guy is good enough or does he deserve me, etc. Whatever it is, it just feels so freaking good to have someone to look out for you and you know that there is no strings, or love, or those kind of feelings. Just best friends. xx  Getting older soon.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013 Wednesday, January 23, 2013 It has been such a torturing week even though it's just the first week. And guess what, someone's birthday is coming. I just realized it today as I talked to Abel through LINE. She is the only person I've been keeping in touch with ever since I am back in US. It's the first time ever, so far up until now, that I am not even a little bit looking forward to my birthday. I don't even feel like celebrating it. I just don't feel like it. I just wish to skip that week, and hell yeah, I am 17. Do you know when you are homesick and suddenly your parents called you, you just wanted to cry badly but you gotta hold it back.. That sucks. Mommy realized that I am sick through my voice. She told me to have enough rest and suggested that I drop one of the classes I am taking as she thinks that it would be too much for me. HAHAH. The funny part is, when I took like not so many classes, she will say that I am not trying to speed up so that I can graduate early. Now that I took more, she complained and scared that I couldn't handle it. I felt being degraded -__- Or maybe, she is just scared that I will be too tired and keep on falling sick. :') I have no idea why the hell am I blogging this right now.. First day of Spring Semester 2013.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013 Tuesday, January 22, 2013  JETLAG. Sucks to the core. Back in Davis on 21 night. Did not sleep at all since I have 8 am class the next morning. And I did not expect that my schedule is so packed for tuesdays and thursdays. I have been falling asleep endlessly even while driving. Currently just finished with pre-lab. Isn't the first week of semester should be the most relaxing one?! It's the first day, yet all professors have been giving away homeworks. I NEED MY SLEEP. I NEED MY REST. I have another morning lab tomorrow and yet I am lacking of sleep. Can I escape this routine? I just wanna skip all these studying life like seriously. A BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG SIGH. It's just a few days away and I already am homesick. ): Oh and yes, I am falling sick due to extreme tiredness. Thanks to my jetlag and the weather!    A dream guy?
Wednesday, January 16, 2013 Wednesday, January 16, 2013   Everyone keeps asking me why don't I get myself a boyfriend. And they also asked me what type of guy do I want. And guess what, my answer will always be, "I don't have a type. When I like him, I just do." But honestly, I do have my ideal dream guy but I am mature enough to know that such guy does not exist. But seriously though, every girl definitely has their own dream guy. Maybe my dream guy is a guy who is alike my father? HAHA. People say that girls will look for her father in a guy, and guys will look for his mother in a girl. Oh well, my dream guy is... 1. A guy who will always feel lucky to have me. 2. A guy who will always be proud of me. (He will proudly introduce me to his friends and family.) 3. A guy who dares to meet my family. 4. A guy who is approved by my parents. 5. A guy who is wise and mature. 6. A guy who can be funny but can also be serious in particular events. 7. A guy who will always be there for me. 8. A guy who will be scared of losing me. 9. A guy who will remember every details of me. 10. A guy who always surprises me; he will just tell me, "I'm downstairs. See me for awhile." instead of telling me firsthand or asking for permissions. Or maybe he will just send a bouquet of flowers to my house or directly giving it to me. 11. A guy who will rush to see me if something happens to me. 12. A guy who makes me and his family as his priority. 13. A guy who does not use money to solve everything especially with me. 14. A guy who will just listen, hug me when I'm cold or crying. 15. A guy who will not shout at me or hit me. 16. A guy who will cook for me instead of always bringing me to fancy restaurants. Lastly, a guy who is protective, but not possessive.   That is definitely a whole bunch of requirements. That guy certainly does not exist. If he does, I am pretty sure he is taken or.... gay? But honestly, the one who got it right, as to why I am still single now or has never been into an official or serious relationship, up until now is only Joditha. I was totally shocked of how she could just guess it right when I was pouring my heart out to her. I definitely have no confident in myself. There is not one second I forget all my flaws. Every time I walk around in a mall, regardless of who I am with, and shopkeepers are glancing at me, I keep on telling myself, "Chin up, head high." But inside, I keep on thinking, "Is there something on my face? Or is it my hair? Or maybe my outfit? Or maybe the way I walk? Oh, maybe my make up? Did my eyeliner smudge? Is there anything wrong with me?" I can not stop thinking until I go to the bathroom and look into the mirror and ensure myself that there is nothing wrong with me. It totally sucks to be me seriously.  But hey, with this kind of confident in me, how can I be sure that a guy can like me for who I am? How can I be sure that I'm not just a game to him? For once, I thought there is this guy who is actually serious with me, but ended up, I was like a toy. I felt so stupid, silly, and idiotic. Furthermore, I hope my first relationship would last til' marriage. J suggested me that during my age, my teenage years, I should have fun, date few times, enjoy these years, but I can't. I really can't doing it. Why would I waste time with a guy that is not going to last? And wouldn't I be at disadvantage as a girl? And what about my reputation? An ex of so many guys? Hell, no. Recently, I told my parents that maybe if I were to graduate my high school in Indonesia, I would have had a boyfriend by now. I am enrolled in a college with no Indonesian. How can I be in a relationship? My dad told me that maybe this was my path. But it got me thinking, is it an advantage for me? I want to, for once, experience a real date. I have never been on a real date until now. I feel pathetic. (But do not ever pity me. I despise being pitied. Am I that pathetic that I deserve your pity? It just pissed me off.) Maybe my fate is to find the love of my life after I graduated...  Actually, J told me, "You are pretty, wise, educated, and came from a good family background. You pushed guys away just because you are scared of getting hurt. But you will never know something until you try it. Lastly, your pride is just too high. It is difficult to get you to open up and eventually guys get scared of you, and they leave" What makes me happy most is, she looked at me as a pretty girl, in a way I've never looked at myself. HAHA! My main problem is, I am too scared of getting hurt that I can't really open my heart to anyone. It really takes time. But it got me thinking, is it my fault? Is something really wrong with me? Is it wrong to have high prides, and is it wrong to build walls between you and people? I just want to see who cares and wants me enough to break those walls.    This is a really long post. But I kinda enjoyed writing this post because I have been imagining my dream guy as I am typing :B One day left and I'm back to reality. I do not want to go back honestly. I enjoy being here. I want to cry badly every time I think about it);    
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