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Patricia Ana  Create Your Badge Her Wishes♥ Updated on o1.o1.13 • Happiness Sweet Escapes♥ ALIENS♥ --------------------------------- Wei Kang ShanShan Terence Dearest♥ --------------------------------- Amelia Liz ; PerverticCicak Sab ; Mesum-Twinny Syazwan ; Bestfriend Vanessa Vivian ; Nerdie NavalBase; --------------------------------- Alexis Brandon ; Blender Fawwaz ; FawyBotakB Hamizah HuatKit ; AhPek Katherine Patricia ; Halim Mabel ; AhMamaa Xinyi YuXuan ; AhJie Others; --------------------------------- Cindy ; Shinzuii Laurentia Read more♥ You deserve better. Me and my anxiety The pain of the past. That pain. Happiness. One and only. I miss you. Interphase: Denial and Acceptance. To the guy who's gone great lengths for me. When will it be good enough?
January 2012 |
Me and my anxiety
Sunday, July 19, 2015 Sunday, July 19, 2015  All the sleepless nights, accompanied by the pain. Sometimes I am wondering what is wrong with myself. I did not expect how hard it is to be happy. I know all you wanted was for me to be happy with you But right now, you are unable to give me that happiness. You are dealing with your own problems and I wish I could be there for you. I am currently dealing with mine too and I wish you'd be there for me too. But we are just two complicated people trying to make the other person happy while fixing ourselves.  I don't know if it was the distance or just us, getting further apart. I kept telling myself to not expect anything but all I do was getting myself disappointed again and again. Is it so bad to ask for some time of yours to just focus on me? I know it was not a 'never' but I wanted more. I spared some of my time, sacrificed my sleep just to talk to you, to at least spend time with you even with all the distance. I want you to know even if I am not physically there, I will always try to be there for you even just emotionally. And eventually I realized, you are the first guy who taught me how to be sad and happy at the same time. You hold the award of making me cry the most by far. Sometimes I wonder if all these pain are worth it. Am I even worth it in your eyes? Do I even worth those efforts, time, and attention? Did I make a mistake by trusting my gut and putting faith on you? I remember you told me you had your own problems and that I should not make it worse. But what if I told you I had my own share on my plate and you are actually making it worse? Maybe you'd threatened to leave because you make me unhappy without putting a fight. You told me to be understanding, and I told you I AM trying. Can you, just once, imagine yourself in my shoes? Can you please try to be more understanding? I kept giving chances and chances and I asked myself, "What would happen in the future when we had to be in a long distance relationship for a way longer period of time?" Am I gonna get this kind of treatment again from you? All I asked is just some more efforts. Is that too much to ask for? I wonder if I was the one who's missing you more than you missing me or is it that I was never your priority? All those words, were they just lies? I wished there was actually someone I could talk to, share with. But every single time I wanted to pour my heart out, I ended up pulling back. I kept telling myself they do not need to know all these, they had their own problems. I feel like I'm already back to my previous state. Back to the cutting, crying, and all the negativity.
Sometimes I hate myself so much to the point where I wish I should've vanished.
 The pain of the past.
Thursday, July 9, 2015 Thursday, July 09, 2015  Mistakes are supposed to make someone learn something. But the pain, the scar, it stays there. Some people get the advantage of being able to forget the pain. However, for some people, that certain experience is unforgettable. Personally, I did not know how did I become this kind of person. I got to admit that I am not a good person. I realize how selfish I can be when it comes to relationships. I do not mind getting the other party hurt instead of myself getting hurt. I'd rather be the bad guy and hurt other people rather than having to be depressed all over again. Sometimes I wonder, is it a bad thing to take precautions for yourself? I can't get over the guilt and it's tearing me apart. I used to convince myself it is okay but as time goes by; more and more people get hurt and I can't seem to get over it. I think I might have too much on my plate.  It has been there before. It just started to hit me a few years ago.It has not left me ever since. People tend to see me either as a happy and cheerful person or a mean bitch. Only some get to understand the pain I have been fighting with. I do not expect people to know or even understand about it, but maybe it would make me feel better if people stop judging others and making their assumptions out of everything. I learned the truth about someone and I realized that their past is what made them today. I started to realize that I am like that too. Every time I started wanting to move on and start over, the negativity kicks in. All the what ifs are buzzing through my mind. I keep asking myself, "Is it gonna be okay this time?" Or are all guys actually pretty much the same? Maybe, just maybe, some are just hiding their true colors and they would reveal it when they realized the girl has fallen for them deep enough to get hurt. Is it actually okay to love someone? My counselor thinks that the moment you start to love someone, it became your choice - your decision and that you should be ready for the consequences of all the pain it will come with. With that, she believes that I should not feel guilty or responsible or even punish myself for it. But every single damn time I was told that someone is hurt by me, the guilt is rushing in and I feel...weird. It crosses my mind, do people actually care if they hurt my feelings too? 'Cause it sounds like they don't actually give a sh*t. They say what they like and they don't give a damn if you heard it because they actually enjoy it.
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