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Patricia Ana  Create Your Badge Her Wishes♥ Updated on o1.o1.13 • Happiness Sweet Escapes♥ ALIENS♥ --------------------------------- Wei Kang ShanShan Terence Dearest♥ --------------------------------- Amelia Liz ; PerverticCicak Sab ; Mesum-Twinny Syazwan ; Bestfriend Vanessa Vivian ; Nerdie NavalBase; --------------------------------- Alexis Brandon ; Blender Fawwaz ; FawyBotakB Hamizah HuatKit ; AhPek Katherine Patricia ; Halim Mabel ; AhMamaa Xinyi YuXuan ; AhJie Others; --------------------------------- Cindy ; Shinzuii Laurentia Read more♥ You deserve better. Me and my anxiety The pain of the past. That pain. Happiness. One and only. I miss you. Interphase: Denial and Acceptance. To the guy who's gone great lengths for me. When will it be good enough?
January 2012 |
That pain.
Sunday, June 28, 2015 Sunday, June 28, 2015  Is it a bad thing to fall in love too deep with someone? All I know is that you made me wanna change, you made me wanna fall in love deeper with you. But I did not see how much pain I would be going through. Back then, I realized I had my own issues; commitment and trust issues. When I realized things are going further and getting more serious, regardless how much I wanted serious relationships, I chose to back off and give up on the relationship. I found little tiny mistakes on the relationship and could not let it go - that ended the relationship. It was not that hard on me. I was sad but I was ready to let go. But with you, I did not realize how much pain I am going through. I did not know that you could be hurt from loving someone when the other person claimed to love you back. All the pain came from the insecurities mainly. It hurts seeing myself not getting the amount of attention I wanted. I am trying to understand you are not in your best self currently but what I would like you to know is, you're not the only one hurting. You're not the only one missing someone, you're not the only one being sad. I am feeling it too, maybe I just don't say it or express it as much as you. But I really hoped you would feel it, somehow. You may think I get jealous way too easy, that's because I am insecure. You can see how I get mad pretty easily from all the jokes, that's again from my insecurities. You know how low my self-esteem is, that's why sometimes I take jokes too seriously. I just can't help it. I wish you could understand more instead of complaining about it. I wish you would try to make me feel more secure with you. Things are hard enough for me recently without you adding to my problems. I don't really need you to make the wounds deeper. I really need you to help heal the wound instead.  If only you knew how much I've cried because of you. I knew that if you'd knew, you'd be feeling so guilty and I do not want that. Yes, you make me happy, but you are making me sad sometimes. I know you told me you would like to leave if you are only making me sad and unhappy but what if I told you I am.. Would you just leave right away, or would you try harder first? You told me you won't give up until one of us decided to give up regardless what the situation is. But I wonder, would you stay with someone who can be emotionally unstable at times? Would you get sick of trying to convince someone due to their insecurities? After you get to see all the flaws, would you still stay? Sometimes you made me want to give up, but maybe I love you enough to not wanting to lose you.  Happiness.
Friday, June 26, 2015 Friday, June 26, 2015  As you grow up, the word "happiness" defines different things to different people. I remember when I was a little kid, happiness just simply means having been able to sleep later than 7pm to watch TV. Happiness is being able to eat sweets and getting new teddy bears. As I grow older, the meaning starts to change. When I was in primary school, happiness is just about not having to go to school or maybe going to school for events. Junior high was all about getting good grades and making your parents happy and having a lot of friends in school. As for senior high, it was almost an adult phase, happiness is love. Finding a boyfriend, having those romances in school. All the butterflies in the stomach, your first touch, first kiss. As you entered adult stage, happiness starts to change. Life gets tougher, problems get even more complicated than when you were young. I start to ask myself what is happiness where happiness is the only thing I've been wishing for years on my birthdays but I just seem to not be able to have that, somehow. People around you told you they want you to be happy - your family, your best friends, and your lover. But what they did not tell you is how. Sometimes they want you to be happy by doing things you love, but the things that you love were unapproved. You will then get a choice to follow their suggestions or follow your heart. In the end, I always choose them due to my lack of confidence. I was scared. But now, I feel lost at times. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Being around certain people makes me happy at times, but all I know is that it's temporary happiness. Maybe it would suffice for some people but certainly not me. I want a real happiness that even when the moment ends, I can still feel the joy within me.  It's funny how they told you to love yourself first, then love others. That way, you can find your happiness through that love. At the same time, this generation, the society is making you unable to love yourself. They keep on reminding you of all your flaws. I know I have my flaws but I do not need constant reminder of them. It's none of your business anyway. I've been struggling to try to accept and love myself in any ways for years, but I failed. I just kept asking myself, if I can't even love myself, how do other people love me? They said they love me, but I just don't have the confidence in them. It's just hard for me to believe they can love me when I can't even love myself. I don't know what they see and I don't know if I ever can. With all these negativities, come the insecurities. I think these insecurities will annoy people around me. But sometimes, I am scared that they see this as lack of attention because I don't want their attention. I don't like having the spotlight on me. I am uncomfortable enough with only myself and I don't need more people to spot more of my flaws.  It's pretty saddening how when you used to be able to hide all the sadness with a smile, laughters in front of people but now you get so sick of it. There is just too much pain to keep on faking it. People say if you can keep faking it, it shows how strong you are. But not everyone is that strong. Years of hiding is more than enough. Maybe people need to stop hiding it and just be who they are. When there is too much pain, I don't think anyone can actually hide it anymore. I remember two years ago, I was the type who laughs way too easy. I will laugh at literally anything. Just pick up a straw, I will still laugh. When I think back, I don't know why either. I was just shy, maybe. Or I think it's silly enough that I laugh. But now, I smirk for funny jokes. I laugh when I feel bad because people are watching me and I don't wanna be the one ruining the "happy environment". Sometimes I look at people, I am just jealous at how they can look and be stress-free. They told me not to think about it, but it is easier said than done.  One and only.
Thursday, June 4, 2015 Thursday, June 04, 2015  Even after so many arguments that most of the time ended with "whatever", some of them still don't get it. They take it as a sense of jealousy, girls being oversensitive. Well, maybe because you did not convince her enough that she's the only one that caught your eyes. It's not difficult to just ensure your girl that she is the one and only for you. Guys will just be all "just kidding, babe" about these stuffs but honestly, girls will remember it. Those "jokes" are like scarred in our memories, making us feel more insecure. I thought when you called me "yours", I could do the same. I thought you would understand where all these insecurities of mine are coming from. I thought you would always fight for me, but I'm not so sure about it anymore. I thought you would be the guy who would only had your eyes on that one girl, please don't let me be wrong about this. I hope you would understand that all these worries, sensitivities, insecurities, anger, and pain are all due to my feelings for you. I am scared of hurting you, I know I hurt other people both intentionally or accidentally but I specifically told you to be aware of it. I know you have your own share of pain in the past, but so do I. There is always a reason why it takes so little for me to give up on a relationship especially knowing the other party chose to give up just like that. For this, you have persuaded me to give it a try, to actually fight for it but why do I feel more pain than before? Am I doing something wrong? Or is it normal? "It's better to feel hurt than nothing at all." - but maybe when you feel enough pain accumulated altogether from the past, you would then realize that it's better to feel numb. If only you could realize that all these reactions are there because I am actually scared of losing you and not getting another chance.  I truly hope this time around, I am not making the wrong decision. |